It's just another small
business with a great idea, blossoming with aspiration before its
first product hits the market; A red, white, and blue demonstration
of how the little guy with a dream constantly renews America and
makes it great and strong. But just a little different. The
anticipation of the masses has been palpable, waiting to find out
what the undisputed king of America's AlTrueistic™ spirit and
real-world Doctor (Who) will come up with next. It's a moment that
feels like a tipping point in history.
What has been unveiled for
this exclusive article is the culmination of many years work in which
Al Gore himself has slaved over Bunsen burners and smelly chemical
filled flasks dressed only in a drab white lab coat and socks, as well as hitchhiking around Europe on weather balloons, delving into cosmic questions and the great secrets of the Planet
Earth™.
Gore, Inc. may begin
selling “Weather Blessings”™ on the open market. According to a
friend of a daughter of a janitor who works near one of the towns
where Al Gore has a carbon-spewing mansion, a “Blessing” consists
of a properly stamped certificate from an authorized distributor
promising the bearer one “nice day.” “Nice days” may vary in
character depending on local conditions and no specific warranty is
stated or implied. Gore, Inc. is not liable for any damage resulting
from the purchase, possession or use of a certificate or what will
happen to target customers if they don't buy.
The initial $50,000 price
tag seems out of reach for most ordinary consumers, but high market
entry prices are often necessary to recoup large investments in
research and development as well as business start up costs. Sales
are often successful when cutting edge firms are first to market with
important innovations. Long term plans call for lower prices so that
everyone will be able to afford nice days and possible distribution
to third-world countries organized by United Nations NGOs.
Although the “research”
and “charity” classifications may seem to suggest special tax
considerations and potential government grants, it is rumored by one
source that Al Gore has personally assured a large group of would-be
investors that his newest socially responsible scheme will be
entirely privately funded in the foreseeable future. One source
thought that most of the wealthy widows and orphanage fund-raisers
didn't even notice the additional mumbling in the hallway as Mr. Gore
added, “at least until that cheap prick Obama is out of office …
little bastard and his measly $half billion. What's that? I was Vice
President for God's sake.”
A spokesman for Gore, Inc.
is said to have said that this venture is indeed a watershed and
assured anyone he could get to listen that this time, at least for
the foreseeable future, the operation will run entirely without theft
of public funds or government force. “The marketing all comes down
to Al Gore's charisma and his ability to portray new social values in
interesting ways.” “And think of the children,” he added,
obviously becoming a bit emotional. “Now that they're all scared
shitless that like the Earth is going to suddenly turn into a burning
Hell, what are you doing to reassure them? Are you part of the
problem? Huh! Huh! Are you! Come on, open your wallets right now.
Give me your money! And say thank you for the awareness campaign.”
So emotional the plea,
said the source, that the spokesman's nose was noticeably red, and it
probably had nothing to do with the needle marks running up and down
his arms. “These guys really believe in their cause, still working
like that even with apparently serious health problems.”
