It's just another small business with a great idea, blossoming with aspiration before its first product hits the market; A red, white, and blue demonstration of how the little guy with a dream constantly renews America and makes it great and strong. But just a little different. The anticipation of the masses has been palpable, waiting to find out what the undisputed king of America's AlTrueistic™ spirit and real-world Doctor (Who) will come up with next. It's a moment that feels like a tipping point in history.
What has been unveiled for this exclusive article is the culmination of many years work in which Al Gore himself has slaved over Bunsen burners and smelly chemical filled flasks dressed only in a drab white lab coat and socks, as well as hitchhiking around Europe on weather balloons, delving into cosmic questions and the great secrets of the Planet Earth™.
Gore, Inc. may begin selling “Weather Blessings”™ on the open market. According to a friend of a daughter of a janitor who works near one of the towns where Al Gore has a carbon-spewing mansion, a “Blessing” consists of a properly stamped certificate from an authorized distributor promising the bearer one “nice day.” “Nice days” may vary in character depending on local conditions and no specific warranty is stated or implied. Gore, Inc. is not liable for any damage resulting from the purchase, possession or use of a certificate or what will happen to target customers if they don't buy.
The initial $50,000 price tag seems out of reach for most ordinary consumers, but high market entry prices are often necessary to recoup large investments in research and development as well as business start up costs. Sales are often successful when cutting edge firms are first to market with important innovations. Long term plans call for lower prices so that everyone will be able to afford nice days and possible distribution to third-world countries organized by United Nations NGOs.
Although the “research” and “charity” classifications may seem to suggest special tax considerations and potential government grants, it is rumored by one source that Al Gore has personally assured a large group of would-be investors that his newest socially responsible scheme will be entirely privately funded in the foreseeable future. One source thought that most of the wealthy widows and orphanage fund-raisers didn't even notice the additional mumbling in the hallway as Mr. Gore added, “at least until that cheap prick Obama is out of office … little bastard and his measly $half billion. What's that? I was Vice President for God's sake.”
A spokesman for Gore, Inc. is said to have said that this venture is indeed a watershed and assured anyone he could get to listen that this time, at least for the foreseeable future, the operation will run entirely without theft of public funds or government force. “The marketing all comes down to Al Gore's charisma and his ability to portray new social values in interesting ways.” “And think of the children,” he added, obviously becoming a bit emotional. “Now that they're all scared shitless that like the Earth is going to suddenly turn into a burning Hell, what are you doing to reassure them? Are you part of the problem? Huh! Huh! Are you! Come on, open your wallets right now. Give me your money! And say thank you for the awareness campaign.”
So emotional the plea, said the source, that the spokesman's nose was noticeably red, and it probably had nothing to do with the needle marks running up and down his arms. “These guys really believe in their cause, still working like that even with apparently serious health problems.”